The Broken Side Of Me

We had the perfect love. He said it had just been a fling to him, but I knew he was lying. It was that pride of his again that kept him from breaking down. I could never admit it now, but no matter what he said, what the two of us had was real. It was the kind of knock-you-down-once-in-a-lifetime love that had inspired countless movies and songs and poems, the type of love so many people dreamed of finding and so few ever did. I had never been so completely in love with anyone before, and I doubted I ever would again. I'd seen forever with him and more...but fate had dealt us the worst hand possible. A perfect love at the perfectly wrong time.

If only we had met later...or under different circumstances...

I had always been a practical person. I know there is no use dwelling on what-ifs. I was bound in a tangled web of lies and sooner or later, he would move on and meet a girl who could give him everything he deserved, someone he would marry, have kids with...

The last little piece of my heart that remained intact throughout the past hour promtly shattered at the thought, the shreds pricking at my self-control until I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Huge, silent sobs wrecked my body for the first time since I can remember, only this time the pain felt like it would last forever.

The times we'd spent together flashed through my mind movie-montage-style, and the girl who'd once swore I'd never cry over a boy...cried. I cried until it felt like every drop of moistrue in my body was escaping through my tear ducts. I cried because I'd hurt him. I cried because it kept my mind off the desperate lonliness that had invaded my body the moment he left. But most of all, I cried for what we had, what we lost, and what we could never be.

<3 Yours Truely, PrettyGirl <3

Lalalalalala...

I love my boys but damn....I'm starting to drown in them!!! I made this blog and promised myself no matter what I wouldn't let the fear of other people reading stop me from typing. So...here I go.

One-I will never have sex with another guy unless he is my boyfriend for at least 6 months!!!

Two-I'm going to be completly honest and say....No. I do not want a relationship because I can't handle one. And I like being single. I don't feel guilty if I see a cute guy and check him out. And I don't give a fuck if your going to jump to conclusions and try and tell me that I only want to be treated like crap because I still hangout with my ex. That I only like jerks because they treat me bad and that's what I want. Its not true. All that tells me is that your an insecure asshole who judges people before you know the whole damn story. Cause you know what? I have had some really sweet relationships and I was treated like a princess. I know what a good relationship is from a bad one and I know what I want. So make sure you read the About Me on the side cause I know for damn sure I said DON'T JUDGE!

Three-I didn't think texting a guy your not dating hours after he texts you is a good excuse to be angry or mad or whatever. It gives them no damn right to sit there and act like a middle schooler and pick up there friends phone to test you and see if you'll text back to that number. Its fucking juvenile. Sigh. Obviously there are some trust issues there that need to be fixed.

Four-my head hurts....

Five-Im so good Im so fine I bet you wish you were mine!!! Jk. Anyways...I have come to a point in my life where I trust absolutly no one but my BFF Haley. Yup. I don't care what proof there is but I will always doubt what people say until I see it with my own eyes.

I think that's it for now....
So I got the whole Jp is an asshole kinda speech again from Joseph and you know what Joey? I love that asshole so shut up! Ya I know I was stupid blah blah blah. Jeez Joey I'm not going to chase after him. He made it very clear that I am not wanted and I'm okay with that. Maybe I'll stop popping pills for all the headaches...JK. :) I don't pop pills. I know your falling under the spell Joey but your my friend and that's it. Nothing more! No Mas!!!! I bet you got the hint when I slapped you...lmao...your face was priceless!!! KODAK MOMENT!!!!!!!

If I could wish for anything I would wish for wings so that I can fly away.

PLEASE LISTEN

When I ask you to listen to me

and you start giving me advice,

you have not done what I have asked.

When I ask you to listen to me

and you begin to tell me why

I shouldn't feel that way,

you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me

 and you feel you have to do something

to solve my problem,

you have failed me,

strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen.

Don't talk or do - just hear me.

Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get

you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham

in the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.

Maybe discouraged and faultering,

but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can

and need to do for myself,

you contribute to my fear and

inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact

that I feel what I feel,

no matter how irrational,

then I can stop trying to convince

you and get about this business

of understanding what's behind

this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are

obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when

we understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes,

for some people - because God is mute,

and he doesn't give advice or try

to fix things.

God just listens and lets you work

it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me.

And if you want to talk, wait a minute

for your turn - and I will listen to you.

<3 Yours Truely, PrettyGirl <3

Cracked In Half

I think because I was on the phone with Zach last night that I didn't feel the pain. I couldn't sleep all night. I didn't know what was bugging me til just now. His eyes. His eyes were so cold and guarded. They didn't have the warm and safe feeling they once had. Now when I close my eyes to sleep I just see his face haunting my dreams with his eyes...there so dark and cold and hateful. His face is smiling and relaxed but his eyes, they sent chills down my spine and I tried to ignore it and forget but I can't. It feels so weird without him in my life but at the same time...I don't have to worry anymore if he is cheating or if I'm wasting my time trying to be good to him. He didn't believe me when I told him I'd changed. He said for the past two years I acted one way and can't suddenly change over a couple of months. I said that when you have your heart broken and ripped to shreds and then shoved in your face that you can do anything. He just shook his head like he didn't believe me still. I told him I'm not begging for a second chance. That I know were never going to go out again. That I didn't care if loved me or hated me...but that no matter what...I'll always be there if he needed help. I told him I wanted to be friends. That we don't have to talk 24/7 but keep in touch. That we never have to hang out that's fine, I just wanted him to know if he needed help, I'd help him.

I think whats really going on is that I miss being with him as a couple. I miss the comfort of knowing if I ever needed a shoulder to lean on he would be there, that if I was ever in trouble I could talk to him about anything, that if I ever fell down he would be there to help me up. I miss holding hands down the hallways. I miss the in-between-classes kisses. I miss the texts I would get daily from him. I miss riding home with him. I miss us as a couple.

Judging from yesterday...Im not sure I missed him. He was annoying me. He didn't even care that what he said hurt me a little bit. He didn't care about anything. Thats okay though. Cause I care. Im really stupid I know Haley but no matter what...when all this comes crashing down and he falls on his ass, I'll be there to help him. I'll do everything in my power to not let him ever feel what I've felt. To never hurt as much as I have. I really hope that he learns his lesson without as much pain as I did. You have to respect each other and share your problems and work through them together, not scream and yell at each other. I don't care if he hates me and curses me but it's my fault and I feel like I owe him...

I kinda feel like I'm responsible for what happened to him. Like I'm the reason he is an asshole and idk. He was so sweet in the beginning and I played with him. I messed with his head and ended up messing him up. I didn't do it intentionally though. I just got soo jealous and sometimes I couldn't be nice and play it off.

Reading over this it sounds like Im obsessing. I feel better though. It's not all crazy train of thoughts in my head but out there and maybe someone else will understand.

Alone tonight.

Running for her life.

She tears through the woods as fast as she

can, heart beating, trying desperately to

escape the enemy. Questions fill her thoughts.

Where will i find refuge, a place to hide? Is

there anyone out there who can save me?

Fear and panicconsume her as the whispering

thoughts dance around her mind. She's

desperate for help, for rescue...for escape.

<3 Yours Truely, Pretty Girl/Purple Smurf <3

A Little To Late???

I thought maybe I could get him back one day but I don't anymore. He's so different but not at the same time. He played me today...well he said he didn't and that he cared about me and he worried about me. Honestly Im not hurt. I kinda expected it to be a talk and walk away kinda thing. But awell Im okay just kinda upset that he never really gave a damn.

My heart is so much stronger!!! Damn Im so happy right now. :) I haven't even cried!!! Hells ya!!! I don't even feel like crying. I am emotionally drained... omg today was soooo long...and it continues with Zach talking my ears off. I don't know if I can handle a realtionship right now. I just want to not hurt anymore. But I'll try my best and work it out with him. Maybe this will work...Maybe I can be happy with him.

Randy is coming on TUESDAY!!!! XD Im so fucking excited!!!! I can't wait to spend time with him. He is my favorite cousin in world!!!! hehehe hey mister devil the evil one is in town!!!!! Muah-ah-ah-ah!!!!!! *cough* excuse me *clears throught* Muah-ah-ah-ah!!!!!

<3 Yours Truely, Purple Smurf <3

I Want To Join The Circus!!!!!!!!!!

I gotta say going to the circus was fun...but I really wanted Haley with me instead of Jordan...He made it really unfun for me. I paid for everything! The tickets ended up being $40 a piece plus tax. So it cost $85 dollars just for our tickets. Then, during intermission I bought our food which was $12, I bought my snow cone which I shared with him. The only thing he bought was a coke. Thats it. Then I only asked him for $30 dollars to pay for his ticket 'cause initially that's what I asked for and I didn't want to change it last minute. Oh. Oh. Then afterwards I payed for whataburger which I did owe him but damn...he didn't even ask if it was okay...I just feel kinda used... Now Im out way more money then I planned and I owe my dad $60. :( I feel used and abused now.

<3 Yours Truely, Purple Smurf<3