Cracked In Half

I think because I was on the phone with Zach last night that I didn't feel the pain. I couldn't sleep all night. I didn't know what was bugging me til just now. His eyes. His eyes were so cold and guarded. They didn't have the warm and safe feeling they once had. Now when I close my eyes to sleep I just see his face haunting my dreams with his eyes...there so dark and cold and hateful. His face is smiling and relaxed but his eyes, they sent chills down my spine and I tried to ignore it and forget but I can't. It feels so weird without him in my life but at the same time...I don't have to worry anymore if he is cheating or if I'm wasting my time trying to be good to him. He didn't believe me when I told him I'd changed. He said for the past two years I acted one way and can't suddenly change over a couple of months. I said that when you have your heart broken and ripped to shreds and then shoved in your face that you can do anything. He just shook his head like he didn't believe me still. I told him I'm not begging for a second chance. That I know were never going to go out again. That I didn't care if loved me or hated me...but that no matter what...I'll always be there if he needed help. I told him I wanted to be friends. That we don't have to talk 24/7 but keep in touch. That we never have to hang out that's fine, I just wanted him to know if he needed help, I'd help him.

I think whats really going on is that I miss being with him as a couple. I miss the comfort of knowing if I ever needed a shoulder to lean on he would be there, that if I was ever in trouble I could talk to him about anything, that if I ever fell down he would be there to help me up. I miss holding hands down the hallways. I miss the in-between-classes kisses. I miss the texts I would get daily from him. I miss riding home with him. I miss us as a couple.

Judging from yesterday...Im not sure I missed him. He was annoying me. He didn't even care that what he said hurt me a little bit. He didn't care about anything. Thats okay though. Cause I care. Im really stupid I know Haley but no matter what...when all this comes crashing down and he falls on his ass, I'll be there to help him. I'll do everything in my power to not let him ever feel what I've felt. To never hurt as much as I have. I really hope that he learns his lesson without as much pain as I did. You have to respect each other and share your problems and work through them together, not scream and yell at each other. I don't care if he hates me and curses me but it's my fault and I feel like I owe him...

I kinda feel like I'm responsible for what happened to him. Like I'm the reason he is an asshole and idk. He was so sweet in the beginning and I played with him. I messed with his head and ended up messing him up. I didn't do it intentionally though. I just got soo jealous and sometimes I couldn't be nice and play it off.

Reading over this it sounds like Im obsessing. I feel better though. It's not all crazy train of thoughts in my head but out there and maybe someone else will understand.

Alone tonight.
Running for her life.
She tears through the woods as fast as she
can, heart beating, trying desperately to
escape the enemy. Questions fill her thoughts.
Where will i find refuge, a place to hide? Is
there anyone out there who can save me?
Fear and panicconsume her as the whispering
thoughts dance around her mind. She's
desperate for help, for rescue...for escape.

<3 Yours Truely, Pretty Girl/Purple Smurf <3

1 comment:

  1. You're not stupid, you're a good person. You're strong, and it takes a strong girl to do what you're doing. I'm proud of you chica :)